HOW TO TURN MEN DOWN HE: Can I buy you a drink? SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money. ====== HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. ======= HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. ======== HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? SHE: I must've been given your share. ======= HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. ======= HE: Your face must turn a few heads SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. ======= HE: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out. SHE: Okay, get out. ====== HE: I think I could make you very happy SHE: Why? Are you leaving? ====== HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. ====== HE: Can I have your name? SHE: Why? Don't you already have one? ===== HE: Shall we go see a movie? SHE: I've already seen it ===== HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Hiding from you. ====== HE: Haven't I seen you some place before? SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there any more. ======= HE: Is this seat empty? SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. ====== HE: So, what do you do for a living? SHE: I'm a female impersonator. ====== HE: Hey baby, what's your sign? SHE: Do not enter. ======= HE: Your body is like a temple. SHE: Sorry, there are no services today. ====== HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. ======= HE: Where have you been all my life? SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams. ======== FORWARD TO WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS (and men who may have a good sense of humour)

 

The Fifth Affair Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered. "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I..... I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!" "I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you"

 

The Fourth Affair   A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir,"replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

 

The Third Affair   A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something". I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

 

Monday Jokes   An 82-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. The doctor cautioned him about his age and sent him home with a lecture on the proper lifestyle. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit, the doctor said to the man, "You must really be doing great!" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur. Be careful!"

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ RODEO! Two blokes are having a beer, talking about various sex positions. The first bloke says that his favourite position is the "rodeo." The other bloke asks what the position is and how to do it. The first replies, "Well, get your wife on all fours and do it doggy style. Once things get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position as well.' Then try and hang on for 8 seconds." ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Well I hope I have brightened your day with a smile! Remember: The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

No Breaks!

 

The World Cup   A man had great tickets for the World Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes over and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

 

Stranded! One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the stunned man. With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks him. Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "WOW, that's absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh good Lord! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too?"

 

Ladies Bumper Stickers   COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I HAVE A GUN. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY? DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

 

HEAVEN! A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?" "This is Heaven, sir," the man answered. "Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked. "Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open. "Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked. "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets." The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?" "Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there". The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in." "How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog. "There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them. "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked. "This is Heaven," was the answer. "Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too." "Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell." "Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?" "No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."

 

The Cure   A woman went to the doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?" The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and asked.. "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

The Irishman An Irishman had been drinking at the pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand up one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the five blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door he stands and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

 

The Hotel   A husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager. The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," explains the manager. No matter what facility the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the manager. "Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

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